


Chasing Shadows

by paperstorm



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Chris, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Porn, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, POV Sebastian, Rimming, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 08:24:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16281023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperstorm/pseuds/paperstorm
Summary: Chris is hurting so much inside when he gets like this, swells of those big, overwhelming emotions that get trapped in his head and he ends up useless, unable to think clearly until he finds a way to burn them off. Crying works, and Sebastian has been present more than enough times to know how that goes. Sex works too, and obviously Sebastian prefers that option.





	Chasing Shadows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kararust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kararust/gifts).



> This is a belated birthday present for my lovely friend Kara, who died with me over Seb in glasses when the Style Magazine Italia pics came out. I attempted to write glasses-wearing porn. It did NOT WORK. It grew feelings and the glasses don't really even feature all that much because I'm useless. But happy birthday anyway Kara l love you <3

The sun beating down on Sebastian’s neck is unbearable. He hates Los Angeles. In New York, mid-September would be chilly and pleasant, the nights cooler and the breeze sharper. Here’s it’s still sweltering as if it were mid-July. Luckily he won’t be here very long. His phone buzzes in his pocket as he enters his building, and he struggles to answer it while he closes the main door behind himself and fumbles with his keys.  
  
“Hello?” he answers, squeezing the phone between his ear and his shoulder, trying not to let it fall.  
  
“Seb,” the voice on the other end breathes, and Sebastian’s heart skips a beat. He hadn’t checked the ID before answering and he wasn’t expecting Chris.  
  
“Hey,” he says, drawing out the word. He’s so happy to hear from him. “How’s it goin’? I miss you.”  
  
It’s been too long, this time, with them filming different projects at different ends of the world.  
  
“I miss you like crazy.” Chris’s voice sounds weird, and Sebastian frowns.  
  
“Everything okay?”  
  
“It’s so good to hear your voice.”  
  
“You – hold on just a second, okay?” Sebastian has to shove the phone back into his pocket to let himself into his unit, setting his bag down on the ground and stepping out of his shoes. He tosses his keys onto the cabinet and then makes his way to the couch as he puts the phone back to his ear. “‘Kay, I’m back. What’s wrong, are you alright?”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong.”  
  
“Yeah, there is, I can hear it.”  
  
“Just miss you.”  
  
“I miss you too, babe. Did something happen?”  
  
When Chris answers, Sebastian can hear a smile coming over his face. “Saw those pictures. From the shoot for the Italian magazine.”  
  
“Oh. Yeah, they came out pretty good, right? I’m not a model like you are, but …”  
  
“I’m not a model. And you’re gorgeous, shut up. Seb, they’re incredible. You in those glasses …” Chris exhales and it’s shaky. He sounds dazed. “Kinda didn’t know I needed that in my life but … I kinda did.”  
  
“Oh.” Sebastian says again. He feels his cheeks heat up. “Yeah?”  
  
“They look so good on you.”  
  
There’s shuffling sounds in the background, and Sebastian frowns. “Wait, are you jerking off right now?”  
  
Chris laughs. “No. I’m at an airport. Heading to Atlanta for some last minute reshoots. Kinda wish I was, though. Or that you were here.”  
  
“Don’t think about it too much, you can’t walk onto a plane with a boner,” Sebastian advices, but he’s grinning.  
  
“Thanks, that’s helpful.”  
  
“I wish you could’a been in Greece with me. It was beautiful there.”  
  
“Me too.” Chris sounds sad again, or wistful, maybe, and Sebastian really wishes he would talk to him.  
  
“Please tell me what’s wrong?”  
  
“I honestly just miss you. It’s been way too long, and I’m tired, and you look sexy in glasses and I wish you were here so I could see them on you in person.”  
  
“I’ll see you next week, right?” Sebastian tells him. It isn’t soon enough for him, either, but they don’t have much control over that right now.  
  
“Could you come visit me on the set?” Chris asks, quiet and hopeful.  
  
“Chris,” Sebastian sighs.  
  
“You wouldn’t have to stay long, I know you’re busy. Just come see me, just for a night. Things are so crazy right now, I just need to get my hands on you. Just one night.” He’s begging, and it hurts Sebastian’s heart to hear it, because he knows where it comes from. If Chris was actually just horny he wouldn’t be asking for this, it’s a lot more than that.  
  
“I can’t fly across the country for a booty call,” Sebastian says, truly regretting it, because he really wishes he could.  
  
“Yeah.” Chris blows out a noisy breath. “Yeah, you’re right, of course you can’t. M’sorry, I’m not trying to guilt trip you.”  
  
“I know you aren’t. I love you, okay? I’ll see you really soon.”  
  
“Love you too. I gotta go, we’re boarding. I … see you next week. Love you.”  
  
“Love you so fucking much,” Sebastian promises, and he hates how weak Chris sounds as he repeats it one more time and then hangs up.  
  
Sebastian tosses the phone onto the coffee table in frustration, tipping his head back onto the couch and covering his hands with his face. Some days it’s a lot harder than others, this globe-trotting romance, and it’s always the worst on days when they need each other and they can’t be together. Chris wears everything so heavily. He feels every single emotion so deeply, good ones and bad ones, and the bad ones take him over sometimes. There is so much pressure on him with this movie, so much everyone needed from him as he put on Steve Rogers’ skin again and he’s so nervous about what the fans will think. It’s so important to Chris to be good, to be  _perfect_ , and he works himself up to the point that it overwhelms him. Sebastian has become skilled over the years at calming him down, and he should be there right now to do it, and he hates that he can’t.  
  
Hours later, he gets a text from Mackie.  
  
_You really aren’t coming?_  
  
Sebastian’s eyes narrow as he reads it, not understanding.  _What?_  
  
_To atlanta. Evans said he called you and asked you to come visit and you aren’t_  
  
He wants to but he  _can’t_  and Sebastian really doesn’t need Mackie making him feel bad about it when it isn’t his fault.  _I honestly can’t, dude. I have meetings tomorrow and a photoshoot._  
  
The dots that indicate typing appear, and disappear, and reappear again three times before the reply comes.  _A photoshoot … You know he’s been having panic attacks again right_  
  
Sebastian feels the blood drain from his face. It feels for a moment like all the blood drains from his entire body, leaking out onto the floor and leaving him shaky and his heart racing and his head spinning. He tries to respond, and his hands are suddenly shaking too much to text, so he hits the call button instead.  
  
Anthony answers on the first ring. “I think he needs you, man. I know the timing is shit, but …”  
  
“How many panic attacks?” Sebastian asks, his voice cracking.  
  
“At least two, that I know of. Maybe more, he doesn’t really talk about it.”  
  
“Shit.” Sebastian closes his eyes and clenches his free fist. “He didn’t tell me that. Shit, why didn’t he tell me that?”  
  
“He doesn’t want you to worry. I mean, he’ll live, if you really can’t. But he could use some support, right now.”  
  
“My agent is gonna be pissed if I bail.”  
  
“Is it worth it?”  
  
Sebastian feels so terrible that it takes someone else pointing it out for him to realize his priorities are all twisted up. He  _knew_  Chris was struggling, he could hear it right away in Chris’s voice, but he convinced himself it wasn’t so bad because that was the easier conclusion. Suddenly, he would throw on a pair of sneakers and run to Atlanta if that was the only way to get to Chris.  
  
“Tell him I’ll be there tonight.”  
  
He does get bitched at by his agent, like he suspected he would, but he doesn’t care at all. As he explains and as he hopes she eventually understood, this is akin to a family emergency and sometimes you have to put your personal life before anything else. She’d grumbled about it but helped him get in contact which Chris’s manager so he can be given access to the hotel room where Chris is staying. He gets Anthony to text him when they’re close to wrapping for the day, so he can strip and flake out on Chris’s bed, putting on the pair of black, plastic-framed glasses he’d taken from the shoot Chris mentioned earlier, because truth be told Sebastian had liked the way he look in them as well. He leans back against the soft mountain of pillows, letting his palm slide slowly down his chest, blunt thumb-nail skipping over a nipple, fingertips trailing across his stomach. He closes his eyes and pictures Chris as he picks up his dick and squeezes gently; pictures Chris’s bright blue eyes and his big arms and his strong hands on Sebastian’s body. Chris is so tactile – so desperate always to touch and be touched, to be physically close to the people he cares about. As a result Sebastian has developed a bit of a complex about his hands. Just seeing them, watching them move animatedly while Chris talks, gets him riled up sometimes; remembering all the magical things those hands can do. Sebastian thinks about them on his hips, imagines his own hand on his hardening cock is Chris’s, nimble fingers working him just right.   
  
Noise in the hallway makes Sebastian’s eyes open, and his head turns toward it on the pillow as a key-card scrapes in the lock and the door opens. Chris enters, looking exhausted, and it takes him several seconds to notice there’s someone in his room. He puts the key-card down on a bureau near the door, dumps his bag next to it, and shuts the door behind himself with a heavy, weary sigh that hurts in Sebastian’s soul. Finally, Chris looks over, and startles when he sees Sebastian.  
  
“Shit,” he swears. Then, he takes in Sebastian naked and hard and wearing the glasses he’d liked, and his mouth falls open. “Oh my God. Seb, what the  _fuck_.”  
  
“Did Mackie not tell you I was coming?”  
  
“Yeah, he said you were coming, he didn’t say you’d be  _here_  when I got back. Oh God, you’re …”  
  
His eyes are glassy and they rake up and down Sebastian’s body, looking like he wants to eat Sebastian alive, but there’s something else on his face as well. There’s something in the sag of his shoulders and the dark circles under his eyes, that makes Sebastian momentarily forget this was supposed to be a sexy surprise. Worry overtakes him instead, at the memory of Chris’s voice on the phone this morning.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me things got bad again?” he asks.  
  
“You really wanna do that now?” Chris groans. “When you’re on my bed lookin’ like that? The glasses are even sexier in person,  _Jesus_ , Seb, look at you.”  
  
He’s shaking, his hands balling up into fists and then releasing only to be drawn into fists again, pent up energy and anxiety and stress that Sebastian can almost see radiating off him. He’s hurting so much inside when he gets like this, swells of those big, overwhelming emotions that get trapped in his head and he ends up useless, unable to think clearly until he finds a way to burn them off. Crying works, and Sebastian has been present more than enough times to know how that goes; watching Chris fight it all day long until it overtakes him and he collapses into Sebastian’s arms and sobs until he’s out of breath. Sex works too, and obviously Sebastian prefers that option.  
  
He holds up his hand, keeping Chris standing where he is just for another moment. “ _If_ you promise me we’ll talk about it later. Especially about why you didn’t tell me you were having panic attacks again.”  
  
“Yeah, I promise,” Chris swears, practically vibrating. “We can talk all night if you want, okay, just – please, I need to touch you or I’m gonna explode.”  
  
Sebastian nods his head, giving Chris permission, and Chris moans in relief and practically trips over himself in his haste to get to the bed, whipping his shirt off and tumbling into Sebastian like the giant golden retriever he is. Sebastian catches him just before their lips collide together hard enough to hurt, until Chris backs off just a little to kiss him properly but hungrily, devouring his lips like he’ll die without them. It’s burning and passionate right away, zero to 60. Sebastian squeezes his fingers over Chris’s ribcage, rippling Captain America muscles moving under his palms, Chris’s skin warm and soft. Chris’s tongue shoves into Sebastian’s mouth, tasting eagerly, like he wants to consume him like a forest fire. Sebastian grips his ass, his fingers into the muscle through Chris’s jeans and pushing him down, and Chris ruts against him, denim rough against Sebastian’s erection, just this side of painful. He’s dizzy with it so fast, and he wants to just let it burn them up, but his mind comes back to him after several long, delicious minutes of trading kisses and rolling his hips up into Chris, looking for friction. This isn’t what he wants, tonight. A quick, passionate fuck would be fun but it won’t help. It isn’t what Chris needs.  
  
“Hey,” he says. He’s ignored, and he just keeps kissing for another minute. Then he pats Chris’s lower back and nudges him. “Hey, stop for a minute.”  
  
Chris does, lifting his head up to look down, and his eyes are wild, his lips bitten-red.  
  
Sebastian brings his hand around to cup his cheek, rubbing his thumb over Chris’s shiny bottom lip. “Relax a little, okay?”  
  
Chris frowns, misunderstanding, and Sebastian shakes his head and kisses him again, softer this time. He pushes Chris over onto his back, and props himself up on one elbow, body pressed along Chris’s side, so he can cup his cheek and kiss him gently, expressively.  
  
“No, baby,” Sebastian murmurs. “We’re still gonna … just, slow it down.”  
  
“Oh.” Chris exhales, and his hands are still shaking as he brings one up to Sebastian’s face. “Can’t believe you’re here. I shouldn’t have called like that, I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”  
  
Sebastian shakes his head. “All wrong. You definitely should have called. I’m the one who fucked up. It shouldn’t have taken Mackie calling  _me_ for me to figure out you’re more important than whatever else is on my schedule.”  
  
“Did you have to cancel a lot of stuff?”  
  
“Nothing that can’t be rescheduled.” Sebastian isn’t entirely sure that’s true, the photoshoot was for another magazine and for all he knows they might find somebody else and never hired him again, but looking down at Chris, he couldn’t possibly care less. He takes Chris’s hand from his face so he can kiss his knuckles, and then dips down to kiss his chest, where short hairs that have started to grow back now that his shirtless scenes are finished, ticklish against Sebastian’s lips. He slides his hand down like he’d done earlier on himself, fingertips playing feather-light over Chris’s warm skin and then palming the outline of his dick through his pants.  
  
Chris nudges his head up, asking for another kiss, and Sebastian gives it to him happily. The glasses bump Chris’s forehead so he takes them off and sets them on the nightstand with a whispered promise to put them back on later. Their lips slot together easier without the frames in the way. Sebastian pops the button on Chris’s jeans so he can get his hand inside, fingers curling around his hard cock and stroking, slow and deliberate. He controls the speed of it, keeping his strokes even and his tongue languid and lazy as it sweeps in Chris’s mouth. A small, broken whimper spills out between them, and Chris grips Sebastian’s shoulders, with hands that remain unsteady. Sebastian can feel it, being this close to him; the tension and the stress, the way Chris is buckling under the pressure but struggling to stay afloat, and struggling even harder to keep it all inside so no one sees. Sebastian wants it gone. He wants to dissolve it with his lips and his tongue and his hands, to burn it all up like gasoline, to push Chris until he breaks and falls apart so he can carefully, lovingly put him back together again brand new.  
  
“Let’s have a shower,” he suggests.  
  
Chris wrinkles up his nose. “Do I smell bad?”  
  
Sebastian smiles. “No. We’ll just get some hot water and steam on all these tense muscles. It’ll feel good.”  
  
Chris nods. Then he stops Sebastian from getting up so he can kiss him again, just once more. “Thank you,” he whispers. “I didn’t wanna admit it, but. I needed you.”  
  
“Bein’ the person you turn to when things get tough to handle is not a hardship, Chris.” Sebastian nuzzles into his cheek and hopes Chris can hear how much he means it. “I love you.”  
  
Chris nods again, and his eyes go blurry. “Me too.”  
  
“C’mon.” Sebastian takes him by the hand and leads him to the bathroom. Chris leans against the counter as Sebastian turns the water on and adjusts the temperature until steam is billowing up over the curtain rod, just watching. He’s still in jeans and Converse sneakers but he doesn’t make a move to rid himself of them, so Sebastian does it for him, kneeling down first to slip his shoes and socks off, one foot at a time, and then reaching up to tug his pants down and off. Chris steps out of them and Sebastian pushes them aside, and then while he’s on his knees anyway, he curls his fingers around the backs of Chris’s thighs and kisses the cut muscles of his hip. His cock is right there, still hard and flushed but Sebastian ignores it, for now.  
  
He stands, kissing up Chris’s chest as he does, and finds his lips again. When he moves away, to head for the shower, Chris stops him again with hands on his hips.  
  
“Seb,” he mumbles, needy and broken, and it’s all bubbling up to the surface suddenly, faster than Sebastian can contain it. He feels the way Chris is about to cry, or yell, or spin out of control like a manic off their medication.  
  
“Shh, it’s okay,” Sebastian soothes. He runs his fingers through Chris’s hair, petting, trying to calm him. “What d’you want? You wanna just talk, instead of …?”  
  
Chris shakes his head, but he isn’t saying no, he’s saying he doesn’t know. He’s so helpless like this, so lost and needing Sebastian to fix it.   
  
“Let me take care of you,” Sebastian says gently, relieved when Chris nods and the tears he’d been worried about don’t come – yet. They will. He guides Chris into the shower, putting him under the warm spray and grabbing the bar of soap to lather to suds in between his palms. Turning Chris away from him, he rubs his back, kneading the stiff muscles slowly until they start to give under his fingers and in the head. Chris’s head drops forward, a soft moan echoing off the wet walls, and Sebastian massages his neck. His fingers dig into big shoulders, working the tension out. He pulls at Chris’s hips to make him turn back and does his front as well, pecs and abs firm and defined under his fingers. Chris just watches. His teeth settle into his bottom lip and then let it slip out, tongue chasing after it. Seb picks the soap back up and washes Chris, from his neck to the tips of his fingers to his feet and everywhere in between, briefly using a soap-slippery hand to stoke his cock again just to hear the way Chris’s breath catches in his throat. Then he turns him one more time, gently guiding Chris’s hands up to press against the tile wall.  
  
“What are …” Chris questions, but Sebastian shushes him.  
  
He kisses down Chris’s spine and sinks back to his knees, palming his ass, fingers digging into the muscle and spreading the cheeks apart so he can lean in and lick at him. Chris whimpers again. He tastes like soap, and Sebastian works his tongue around the hole in slow swirls, pushing the tip inside and then sucking at it. He gets Chris’s legs shaking, getting him as slick and loose as he can with just his mouth, all that nervous energy from before channeled into just feeling what Sebastian is doing, and into gorgeous little gasps and his fingers clenching against the wall.  
  
“Sebastian,” Chris chokes, and Sebastian grins and stops torturing him. He  _could_  do this for hours until Chris is a trembling, dripping mess, but maybe next time. It isn’t what he wants tonight, or what he thinks will make Chris feel human again. He stands, spinning Chris in his arms and Chris kisses him despite where his mouth just was, and Sebastian doesn’t care either. Their erections bump between them, and Sebastian lines them up and strokes them together, just once or twice, before he reaches behind Chris to shut the water off.  
  
He steps out first, grabbing a towel and rubbing Chris’s wet, pink skin until he’s dry. He drags the towel over Chris’s hair, leaving it fluffy and sticking out at odd angles, making him look young and soft. He’s so beautiful even when he’s upset, although just the hint of a smile is peaking out from behind those blue eyes. Sebastian dries himself off as well and then ditches the towel on the floor, leads Chris back to the bed. He pushes gently, getting Chris on his back with his head on the pillows, his skin bright and warm from the shower and his cock still hard against his abdomen. Sebastian crawls over him, ducking down to kiss those perfect lips again.  
  
“I want you to listen to me, okay? And trust me, and do what I’m asking.”  
  
“What are you asking?” Chris’s hands find Sebastian’s hip, gripping him tight.  
  
“For you to not do anything. Just lie here, let me make you feel good.”  
  
“You don’t have to do that,” Chris sighs.  
  
“I want to. And you need it.” Sebastian lowers himself down to his elbows, so their bodies are pressed together and he can move his lips on Chris’s neck. “I know it’s hard for you to give up control. But it’s me. And you’re hurting right now, and … I need you to just trust me. Trust that I’ll take care of you, that I won’t let you fall. Can you do that?”  
  
“I do trust you.”  
  
“Good. Show me.”  
  
Chris nods.  
  
Sebastian kisses his jaw. “I want complete surrender, alright? No calling the shots from the bottom. Tomorrow morning, you can do whatever you want with me. Want me to ride you, wanna bend me over the coffee table, anything you want. Tomorrow you’re in charge. Tonight, I am.”  
  
Chris nods again, and he shivers underneath Sebastian’s chest. He isn’t positive Chris is capable of this, but if he can manage to let go, give the reigns to Sebastian, he knows it will help. He doesn’t know how he knows. They’ve never played with power like this before, so he has no evidence. Chris just always has such a tight grip on everything; on himself, on his work, on his media appearances; meticulously planning and orchestrating and monitoring everything so it’s all just so, just how he wants it. Sebastian knows it comes from anxiety, from a fear of failure that paralyzes him sometimes, so he never challenges it. He lets Chris lead, and he happily follows. Tonight he needs that cycle broken. Even if they pick right back up where they left off as soon as the sun comes up.  
  
“Hands at your sides,” Sebastian says, and Chris obeys him. Sebastian kisses down his chest. He sees out of the corner of his eye Chris’s hands gathering handfuls of the bedsheets and squeezing, already struggling not to touch. It’s cruel, maybe, not to let him, because Chris loves to touch him so much, but it’s all part of the plan. Sebastian licks and kisses all that warm skin, dragging his tongue along the creases of abs, raking his teeth along the sharp cut of a hip, shifting back further and nuzzling between Chris’s legs, into his balls, inhaling soap and musk and warmth. When he looks up, Chris’s lips are parted, silent words dying before they can leave his mouth, and Sebastian takes pity on him and takes his cock between his lips. His tongue laves around the head, scooping up all that salty precome and spreading it down the shaft with his tongue. He digs his tongue into the slit just to coax out a little more, smiling to himself at the soft groan it elicits from Chris.   
  
“I didn’t say you have to be quiet,” Sebastian tells him, before swallowing his cock all the way to the hilt, and Chris swears and his hips twitch. Sebastian moves his tongue back and forth while he sucks, bobbing his head and closing his eyes and he fucking loves this, he has since the very first time, back during the filming of  _The First Avenger_ , when weeks of flirting and pent-up sexual tension that was annoying everyone on set (because they misinterpreted it as hostility) finally exploded with kissing and groping and ripping off each other’s clothes and Sebastian sinking to his knees in Chris’s trailer, sucking Chris off like he’d been dying to since the very first time they shook hands.  
  
He pops off to breathe, replacing his mouth with his hand and stroking Chris through the mess of his own spit, and then licking at him again. Chris’s fingers are squeezing the sheets so tight his knuckles are pale, so Sebastian reaches out with his other hand and touches, petting until Chris’s hand relaxes and Sebastian can thread their fingers together.  
  
With a kiss to Chris’s stomach, he gently says, “If you have to white-knuckle the sheets to let someone else drive, you’re not really doing it, baby.”  
  
“Fuck,” Chris breathes. “M’sorry.”  
  
Sebastian crawls back up his body, leaving kisses as he goes. When he gets high enough he captures Chris’s lips in a slow, deep kiss. “Let go. Shut down all those thoughts in your head, stop thinking about everything you need to do tomorrow, and everything you’d like to be doing to me right now, and everything you wish you’d done better today.”  
  
“Let me try again,” Chris pleads.  
  
Sebastian climbs off him, lying next to him instead. “Close your eyes.”  
  
Chris does, those gorgeous lashes dusting the tops of his cheekbones.  
  
Sebastian trails his fingers over Chris’s body again. “Don’t overthink it, just … let it all go. Be here, with me. Feel what I’m doing to you, focus on that. Just that.”  
  
Chris nods.  
  
“Keep your eyes closed. Tell me what you feel.”  
  
“You touching my chest. My stomach.”  
  
“What else?”  
  
Chris’s lips curve into the tiniest smile. “Can feel you against my hip. Hard. Slippery.”  
  
Sebastian smiles too. “All for you, babe.”  
  
His hand travels lower, picking up Chris’s cock again and sliding his fist over it. Chris makes a small, contented sound, and he’s relaxed, now. He isn’t tensing or fucking up into Sebastian’s hand, he’s just calm, and sated, and letting it happen.  
  
“Keep talking,” Sebastian whispers to him. “How does it feel?”  
  
“Good. Love your hands, love when you … use your thumb, to …”  
  
Knowing precisely what he’s referring to, Sebastian swipes his thumb over the head, digging into the slit, spreading all that slick around, and he’s rewarded with a happy sigh.  
  
“Seb,” Chris whispers.  
  
“M’right here, sweetheart,” Sebastian promises. “You know that, ‘cause you can feel me, right?”  
  
“Yeah. Can feel you.”  
  
“Doin’ so good,” Sebastian praises, amplifying his words with soft kisses to Chris’s jaw. “So proud of you. For so many things, do you know that? You amaze me every single day, Chris. You’re so talented, and brave, and kind. I love you so fucking much, I want you to feel that, too.”  
  
Chris whimpers again.   
  
“I’m gonna get up, just for a minute. Just to get something, I’ll be right back. You stay put.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Sebastian pushes himself off the bed and grabs his bag, fishing around for the lube and finding it quickly. He looks back, and Chris is lying there, one hand on his stomach and his eyes still closed, and if Sebastian hadn’t only been gone for about twelve seconds he might be worried Chris had fallen asleep. He’s so still, so vulnerable, and this is so perfectly what Sebastian wanted. He’s so beautiful like this, so open and trusting and emotion swells in Sebastian’s chest. There’s barely a minute that goes by without him being in awe of this man, and thanking whoever might be listening in the heavens or the universe or wherever else, that Chris loves him back, and wanted him this way, and puts his big, fragile heart in Sebastian’s hands and trusts him not to break it.   
  
He bends over Chris’s legs, kissing his shins and then nudging them. “Legs up for me, okay? Feet on the mattress.”  
  
Chris listens, and then spreads his legs further apart without being asked when Sebastian kneels in between them, making room for his shoulders. Sebastian kisses his knee, the inside of his thigh, high up where it’s soft and sensitive. He slicks up his fingers and touches, petting one fingertip over the hole for a minute before he pushes in, sliding it inside, his own dick twitching at the thought of all that tight heat surrounding him. Chris breathes a little heavier but he doesn’t move, doesn’t react.   
  
Sebastian kisses his leg again, murmuring more praise into the skin that he isn’t even sure Chris hears. “That’s it, baby. Let me in, let me make you feel so good.”  
  
It goes quicker than normal, because Chris is more relaxed than normal, and not trying to hurry the process along or boss Sebastian around on how to do it. He slides a second finger inside, and then a third, drawing them out and then slowly back in, twisting, crooking to find the spot inside and press against it. Chris’s dick blurts out precome against his abdomen and his mouth falls open on a wordless moan, but he’s still motionless, almost like he’s in a trance. Sebastian picks up one of his legs and hooks it over his shoulder to change the angle, and it’s heavy against him, and he buries his face in Chris’s thigh, hiding against another bloom in his stomach of feelings too strong to handle. He pulls his fingers out when he can’t watch this anymore, wiping them off on the bedspread and grabbing the lube again to spread it, hissing at his own touch, over his dick.  
  
“Baby,” he says softly. “Open your eyes, look at me.”  
  
Chris does, and he looks drunk. His eyes are glassy, unfocused; blinking a few times before they settle on Sebastian, who suddenly has to swallow over a lump in his throat.  
  
“Hey,” he whispers.   
  
“Hi,” Chris whispers back.  
  
“You doin’ okay?”  
  
Chris nods, a soft, bleary smile on his face.  
  
“You’ve been so perfect, so good for me. Lift your other leg up.” Sebastian pats it, and Chris lifts it over his shoulder like the other one.  
  
He lines himself up and slides in, Chris’s body stretching easily to let him. It knocks the breath out of Sebastian, and Chris inhales shakily and then exhales the same, still uncharacteristically quiet; just absorbed in the moment like Sebastian wanted. He moves Chris’s legs down so they’re around his waist instead, so he can lean all the way over him without bending him in half. He balances on his elbows and hovers with his face close to Chris’s, lips just barely touching, sharing warm, moist air between them.  
  
“Are you good if I move?” he asks, because it’s his show but he’s not taking that choice away from Chris.  
  
Chris nods. “Can I touch you?” he asks in a tiny voice, and it’s only then that Sebastian realizes he’s had his hands obediently at his sides all this time.  
  
“Oh God, yes, of course you can.”  
  
Chris brings his arms up, sliding over Sebastian’s back as he starts to rock his hips, settling on the back of his neck. Their eyes stay locked as Sebastian moves, keeping it slow, keeping laser focused on Chris until his eyelids flutter closed on a soft moan. Sebastian kisses his eyelids, and then his lips, and Chris’s fingers squeeze the back of his neck.  
  
“Tell me what you feel,” Sebastian requests again.  
  
“You inside me.” A gorgeous blush colors Chris’s cheeks and travels down his neck, but he continues. “Fucking me, you … I can feel you everywhere. Like you’re in my skin, like I couldn’t wash you out. Don’t want to, either.”  
  
“You’re beautiful,” Sebastian murmurs to him.  
  
There’s more he wants to say, but he doesn’t. He follows his own advice – getting out of his head and just feeling. Absorbing the way Chris feels squeezing tight around his cock, the way his hands feel in Sebastian’s hair, the soft, devastating sounds he makes when Sebastian hits the spot inside him. He’s lost in it, like it’s meditation, like it’s religion. Like every bad day is erased and replace with just this, with Chris under him, surrounding him, loving him, trusting him in a way he knows Chris has never trusted anyone. By the time heat pools in his gut, his arms are aching from holding himself up, and his head is spinning, and Chris is back to open-mouthed and pliant and dazed. It’s on the tip of Sebastian’s tongue to tell him to touch himself, but then he doesn’t, not wanting to break the spell.  
  
Instead, he dips his head down and drags his lips over the shell of Chris’s ear. “Can you come for me? Just like this?”  
  
“Yeah,” Chris answers, barely a whisper of breath.  
  
“Go ahead, then. Whenever you’re ready.”  
  
Sebastian isn’t expecting Chris to have been waiting for permission, he isn’t expecting it to happen so quickly after it’s given to him, but it does. Chris’s cock twitches between them and paints their stomachs with release, and his body clenches around Sebastian and that tips him over the edge too, whirling, falling, moaning into Chris’s neck. He rests against Chris’s chest just long enough for the room to stop spinning. He comes back to himself enough to realize this part is important, having read an article or two to satisfy his own curiosity on things like doms and subs and even though this wasn’t  _that_ , it was on the spectrum. There weren’t whips and chains but Chris, usually such a control-freak, gave himself over to Sebastian so beautifully, so perfectly, that it will have left him vulnerable and bare in ways more dangerous that physical. Sebastian kisses Chris’s cheek as he carefully pulls himself out, and he extracts himself from Chris, helping him stretch his legs out. His eyes still haven’t opened. Sebastian kisses his forehead and heads for the bathroom, coming back moments later with a warm washcloth that he rubs over Chris’s stomach and gently between his legs. He quickly wipes his own stomach off with it and then tosses it back towards the bathroom.  
  
He sits next to Chris’s hip on the bed, brushing the backs of his knuckles over a warm, pink cheek. “Sweetheart.”  
  
Chris’s eyes crack open.  
  
He looks like a little kid being woken up too early for school, and Sebastian smiles at him, endeared beyond words. “Hey there, gorgeous. I need you to get up, just for a second. Just so we can get under the blankets.”  
  
Chris nods, and Sebastian helps him, heavy-limbed, to stand up long enough to drag the covers back, and then he puts Chris back down in the bed and crawls in with him, covering them right back up. He flicks off the lamp that had been throwing warm, yellow light over them. In the darkness, he folds Chris’s pliant body up into his arms. With his face in Sebastian’s neck, Chris exhales, and it’s heavy and weighted. It sounds like he’d been holding that particular breath since he walked into the room, or maybe since this morning, or maybe for a whole lot longer than that. Suddenly his shoulders shake, and cool wetness drips onto Sebastian’s collarbone, and he hugs his arms tighter around Chris as he breaks. Sebastian definitely knew this was coming. Doesn’t make it any easier to experience.  
  
“I know,” he murmurs, kissing Chris’s hair and rubbing his back. “It’s okay. You did so good, you  _are_ so good. The best person I know, no contest. But big hearts are easier to break, aren’t they?”  
  
Chris doesn’t answer, he just cries. Sebastian holds him until the tears slow, until he stills again. Eventually Chris looks up, eyes red-rimmed and watery, and touches Sebastian’s lips. Sebastian kisses his fingertips.  
  
“Sorry,” Chris whispers.  
  
“Don’t.” Sebastian shakes his head. “Please don’t be sorry. Sometimes we all gotta … get things out.”  
  
“Mackie told you I was having panic attacks again?”  
  
“He did. Next time I wanna hear about it from you.”  
  
“I didn’t want you to worry.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I wanna be here for you, when things aren’t going well.”  
  
Chris tucks his head back into Sebastian’s neck. “So, that was …”  
  
Sebastian smiles. “Comments? Criticisms?”  
  
“A bit scary, at first. Then I just felt … loved.”  
  
“You are.”  
  
“We could do it like that again, sometimes. If I need you to get me outta my head.”  
  
“Any time,” Sebastian promises. “I mean that. And not just for you, I … I loved you trusting me like that. Love  _you_.”  
  
“Love you back,” Chris says, burrowing a little further into Sebastian’s arms where he’s safe, where Sebastian wants to keep him forever. “We didn’t really get to make use of the glasses.”  
  
“Oh, yeah.” Sebastian had forgotten all about them.  
  
“In the morning I’ll blow you while you’re wearing them,” Chris says around a yawn.  
  
“It’s a date.”

**Author's Note:**

> [follow me on tumblr if you want!](http://paper-storm.tumblr.com/)


End file.
